Download - Einstein's Parrot

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ANTIGRAVITY

In late April the Associated Press report-ed the discovery of a diary written by awoman, Johanna Fantova, who was aclose friend of Albert Einstein. “The 62-page diary, written in German, was dis-covered in February in Fantova’s files atPrinceton University’s Firestone Library,where she had worked as a curator,” theAP story noted. One fascinating revela-tion of the diary is that Einstein receiveda parrot as a 75th-birthday gift. Accord-ing to the AP, “After deciding thebird was depressed, Einsteintried to alter its mood by tellingbad jokes.”

Parrots can live for a centu-ry. In early May I may (or maynot) have encountered a parrot thatmay (or may not) have been the birdentertained by Einstein. Speaking inGerman-accented English, the parrot re-cited a monologue. What follows is atranscript of that monologue:

“How do I order beer in a bar? I say‘Ein stein for Einstein.’ Hey, Parrot,what’s the difference between a wildboar and Niels Bohr? When I say thatGod doesn’t play dice, a wild boar does-n’t tell me to stop telling God what to do.I hate that. So what do you say to the manwho developed the exclusion principle?You say, ‘Pauli want a cracker?’ WolfgangPauli, get it? Hello, is this thing on? Test-ing, one, two. Hey, Parrot, I had a dreamwhere I made love to Rita Hayworth foran hour. Well, for her it was an hour. Forme, 35 seconds. That’s relativity. Okay,Newton is standing on the shoulders of agiant, and he says, ‘Giant, how do I get

down off you?’ and the giant says, ‘Youdon’t get down off me, you get down offa duck.’ I love that one. Parrot, tell me,what is a Lorentz contraction? That’swhen Mrs. Lorentz knows the baby iscoming. It’s a timed dilation, not a time di-lation, get it? Let’s see, two guys walk intoan h-bar. An H-BAR. If you knew anyphysics you’d be on the floor, I swear. Uh,if Ruby Keeler married, uh, John Wheel-

er, became a doctor and got a job in Ve-gas, she’d be Ruby Keeler Wheeler thehealer dealer. So what would people sayif Paul Dirac fell on Jane Russell? They’dsay, ‘Look at Dirac on Jane Russell.’ Oh,they’d say it, trust me. Okay, there arethese twins, see. They’re 20 years old. Andone of them goes zipping around the uni-

verse really fast while the other one stayson Earth. The twin who was zippingaround comes back, and he’s maybe ayear older, and he goes to find his broth-er. And the brother is now 95 years old.And the young twin comes up to him. Theold twin looks at the young twin, andtears come to his eyes. And the youngtwin says, ‘Why are you crying?’ And theold twin says, ‘I’m so happy.’ And theyoung twin says, ‘To see me?’ And the oldtwin, he says, ‘Yes. The $100 you owedme when you left. It’s now $100,000.’From the compounding interest. Oy, theseare the jokes, Parrot. What, you don’t likeliving in a cage? Yeah, try being the mostfamous man in the world. I can’t even goout for a haircut. You know, you’re agood listener for a parrot. Oh boy, itlooks like you just did a Brownian move-ment. Good thing I lined the cage with mycosmological constant proposal. Thatproposal was my second biggest mistake.My biggest mistake was my proposal tomy first wife. Ba-dum-bum. Parrot, if youhad a plastic deer on your lawn coveredin Christmas lights, turning them onwould give you the faux doe electric ef-fect. Whaddya call it when Leo Szilardand Enrico Fermi pull up an anchor? Achain retraction! Not so good? Youshould hear me play the violin. So Schrö-dinger and Heisenberg are driving downthe road, and Heisenberg says, ‘Hey, Ithink you just ran over a cat.’ And Schrö-dinger, he says, ‘Is it dead?’ And Heisen-berg says, heh heh, get this: ‘I can’t be cer-tain.’ Okay, so the smartest man in theworld is talking to a parrot. Hey, Parrot,that’s not a joke, that’s my life.”

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